Ten Common Relationship Problems (and How to Solve Them)

Have you noticed problems in your relationship recently?

Today we’re covering ten common relationship problems, and giving you some things to try to solve them.

The Problem: Poor Communication

According to the Gottman Institute, significant research into relationships has shown that these four communication styles cause an escalation in conflict and damage relationships over time:

1. Criticism: focus in on perceived flaws, blaming, hurtful expressions.

2. Defensiveness: deflecting responsibility, refusing feedback.

3. Contempt: showing anger, disgust or hostility towards your partner.

4. Stonewalling: emotionally withdrawing, shutting down or going silent during important discussions.

Try This:

• For criticism, try to use gentle introductions to discussions using calm words, ‘I’ statements, warm body language and tone of voice.

• For defensiveness, try to take responsibility for your part in the problem, show remorse and apologise.

• For contempt, try to regularly show each other appreciation and respect, show affection and recognise the others strengths.

• For stonewalling, try to use self soothing techniques that allow you stay present, agree to pause the conversation briefly but always return.

The Problem: Financial Values

There are generally two values surrounding finances. Some people are savers (they put money away for their future comforts or long term security), others are spenders (they believe their future is not guaranteed and so prefer to enhance their life now).  Sometimes a couple will have one of both types of people.

Try This:

Create a budget together and learn the skill of compromise: both parties will have to give something up in order to come to a solution that is viable for the couple as a whole.

The Problem: My Needs vs. Your Needs (Sex)

It is common for couples to disagree on frequency and quality of sex, leading to lack of desire and intimacy.

Try This:

Identify who initiates the most, then switch it up.  Implement a rule for the next month that the person whom is the main initiator is not allowed to initiate for the month.  This reduces feelings of rejection by the higher libido person and feelings of pressure/guilt from the lower libido person- two emotions that reduce desire.

The Problem: Inability to Problem Solve/Compromise

Lacking core problem solving skills and a general lack of willingness to compromise can be damaging to a relationship.

Try This:

Stop asking yourself “what do I want?” and start asking “what do we both want?”. Then generate solutions together: find common ground on what you both agree on, weigh the pros and cons of several solutions, try one out then re-evaluating the effectiveness.

The Problem: Trust vs Mistrust

Trust can be broken through breaking relationship boundaries (cheating, lying etc). Building back trust in a relationship after it has been broken takes time, and the amount of time it takes lies with the person who has been mistreated.

Try This:

For the person that has broken the trust:

• Take responsibility for your role

• Validate and have empathy for the mistreated partners feelings

• Reassure through words and actions

• Apologise

• Allow the mistreated partner to have a sense of control over how to heal from the broken trust

• Be patient

• Seek counselling to explore how to move forward

The Problem: Division of Labour

Each person has their own expectations around division of labour, whether that be parenting, household tasks or working. When someone feels like they are doing more than the other, resentment can build.

Try This:

Be clear about your expectations. If there is a large disparity between expectations, then compromise. Set clear boundaries on whom is responsible for what and when. Show your appreciation often for the load your partner is taking to increase feelings of being valued.

The Problem: Disrespect

Disrespect is anything that makes the other partner feel less valued, unworthy, fear, shame or self-doubt. It can look like nagging, harsh words, name calling, making fun of, putdowns, insults, acting superior or mocking. This leads to damage to the relationship.

Try This:

Foster a healthy relationship by regularly showing respect and appreciation through affection, pointing out your partners strengths and giving compliments.

The Problem: Unity vs Discord

This is when a couple have difficulty coming together as a unified front and don’t have clear defined boundaries in the relationship. It usually manifests with struggles with different parenting styles, meddling in laws, or boundary crossing friends. 

Try This:

Work towards becoming a more unified couple by setting strong boundaries and expectations with those outside of the relationship. Don’t allow others to enter into the bounds of the relationship, and back each other up when conflict with others occurs. With parenting, create a parenting plan you both agree on, reduce arguing about parenting styles in front of children and learn to support each others efforts.

The Problem: Closeness vs Distance  

A disagreement around how much time should be spent together vs apart.

Try This:

Compromise. Schedule time together and time apart that suits both needs as best as possible.

No relationship is perfect and no two people are perfectly matched. The cornerstone of a healthy relationship is through healthy communication and compromise.

If you are having some relationship difficulties, make an enquiry with Psychwest. We have several relationship therapists, who can provide you with tools on how to talk to your partner about relationship problems, or provide direct couples counselling.